If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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