what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
