How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
