I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
