yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
