I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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