yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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