so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
