I wish my penis had an off switch
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I would fuck him just for his dog
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
