You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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