Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
