i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
please come you make the beer taste better
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
