I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
