Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
