i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
