how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
