This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
