the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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