even my farts smell like vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I have tasted many bathrooms
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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