Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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