I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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