I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
