Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
