Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
