It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
