Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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