he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
