I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have tasted many bathrooms
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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