paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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