I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
