Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
