Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
