I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
