I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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