I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
