I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
