Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
