I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
