apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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