I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
