My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
