Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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