I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
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