I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
