So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
