dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
