Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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