i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
