I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
