Three words: puerto rican gang bang
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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