I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
